"Is it possible to get a cup of coffee flavored coffee any- more in this country? What happened with coffee? Did I miss a meeting? They have every other flavor but coffee flavored coffee. They have mochaccino, frappaccino, cappuccino, al pacino... Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup."

Denis Leary


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Damn checking account . . .

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

The Stages of Your Life

Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by
height or years or grade but it is marked by the progression of
"Mama" to "Mommy" to "Mom" . . .

Classified "Code" Words [Personals]

Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his own thoughts. Finally one said, "What do you think about all this devil business we studied today?"

The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just your Dad, too."

Country & Western "One Liners"

The Painter ...

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"

The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"!

The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!

This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?"

The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street."

OJ Trial as Told by Dr. Seuss

"Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work, driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to a job that you need so you can pay for the clothes, car and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in it." --Ellen Goodman

Useless Info. . .

Erma Bombec says, "Never share a car with someone you gave birth to!!"
[ I should have listened to this advice ]

Psychiatric Hotline

How does Janice like being pregnant?" Bob asked his friend John.
"Oh, she's not pregnant," John replied, "she's expecting."
"What's the difference?" Bob pressed.
"Well, John explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet!!

Center for the Easily Amused

THREE WISE WOMEN!

You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought disposable diapers as gifts!

Letterman's "Top Ten List"

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

The student looked up at her and surveyed her face and replied,

"Well you can't say you weren't warned."

How to Keep an Idiot Busy

TGIF

[ I can tell this joke - I used to be blonde ]
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying "TGIF" [letters only]. He smiled at her and replied "SHIT" [letters only]. She looked at him, puzzled, and said "TGIF" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answereing "SHIT".

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possible "TGIF" another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied "SHIT". The blonde finally decided to explain things and this time she said "TGIF, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered . . .

"Sorry Honey, It's Thursday!!"

What's a creative way to remember Grandpa?
Put his ashes in your Etch-A-Sketch!!

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